Missing
by scissorknot
Summary: K&B just a little, but mainly Keller. AU. Takes place in Season 4 after the kidnapping. Read and Response would be appreciated.
1. Chapter 1

Keller woke up out of a blissful dream he had. It was the same dream that he had been having for the past five days. It had been five days since Keller had moved out of his old pod. It had been five days since he had spoken to Tobias. Keller was still deeply hurt by Beecher accusation. How could he think that he would order a hit on the child of the only person, beside himself, that he ever cared about? Keller was hurt but he refused to let Toby see it. Keller missed the joy of waking up with the one he loved everyday, but that was gone forever. Forever, yeah right. Keller wanted to forgive Beecher but he was unable to for two main reasons. The first reason, he would be breaking the "rules of prison". Beecher tried to kill him; you cannot just forgive someone for that in this Emerald City. The second reason being that Beecher had truly hurt him. Keller had been hurt numerous times in his life, but none of them had ever been this bad. The fact that Keller never let anyone get close to him made it easy for him to brush off the spiteful remarks of others. Keller had worked so hard to regain the trust of Beecher after breaking his arms three years ago. He actually believed that he had regained his love and trust. But that was all shattered the moment Beecher came after him with a knife.

Everyday had been a struggle to keep Tobias out of his life. He had not felt this bad about ignoring him since the couple of days before he broke his arms. Beecher had perfected this sad, almost soulless, stare that cut Keller to the bone. But Keller was determined to not let Beecher make him fell guilty. It was not Keller who came after Beecher with a shank. For some reason today was worse than others. He had awoken from his dream wanting to go and hug Beecher, to forgive him, and return every thing to normal. Like anything in OZ is ever normal. Keller quickly pushed those thoughts aside as he went to get breakfast. He didn't even look to see if Beecher had woken up let. Keller was a little worried that Toby might be drinking again. He remembers the stories that Ryan O'Reily told him while Beecher was in the hospital, about Beecher's month long bender, the threat of the hole the passing out in EM City. No matter now much he tired to hide it and ignore it, Keller cold never completely get ride of the concern he had for Beecher.

Breakfast passed with little incident. They served the regular cold waffles and there was almost a fight between a Homeboy and an Aryan. When Keller returned to EM City he was surprised to see that Beecher's pod had been cleaned out. _So he couldn't take it,_ Keller thought to himself. _I guess the self-loathing and guilt finally gotten to the point where Beech couldn't see me any more._ As the thought of him winning crossed his mind Keller let one of his trademark grins spread across his face, something he hadn't done since being shot earlier that year. Keller's victory party was cut short by the voice of Sean Murphy bringing him back to reality.

"Keller, Sister Pete wants to see you."

This came as a shock to Keller. Sister Pete had not spoken a word to Keller ever since she realized that Keller was using her to try and win Beecher back. "What for?"

"You'll find out when you get there."

Normally Keller would give the hacks a tough time for the hell of it but with the tone that Murphy used and the fact that it was Sister Pete, Keller knew it had to be important. "All Right."

The short trip to Sister Pete's office was dull and uneventful. He walked the entire way there in silence. Which was odd for Murphy, because he was a C.O. that tried to be your friend. Murphy reminded Keller of McManus in a way. Just not as weak. Murphy opened the door for Keller when they reached Sisters Pete's office. "Keller sit down," Sister Pete said with out looking at Keller. "Thank you Sean, you can go now. Read this." Sister Pete gave Keller a note that was folded up. Looking at the note he noticed what was written on it.

"McManus please give this to Sisters Pete to give to Keller"

Keller knew right away that it was from Beecher. "Look Sister. I don't need to read one of Beecher's sob stories telling me that he is 'So sorry' and that 'would I please forgive him.' He is out of EM city and I couldn't be happier.

Sister Pete was noticeably irritated by Keller's arrogance "Keller just read the note."

"How many times do I have to tell you I'm not going to read one of…"

Sister Pete, furious, cut Keller off. " Keller, shut the hell up! This is not one of Beecher's so called sob stories. I do not know if you noticed, probably not because all you think about is yourself, that Beecher is no longer in Emerald City."

Keller was slightly disturbed by the rage that was building inside of Sisters Pete. She never swore even when Keller had pissed her off when he tried to use her to get Beecher back. "Yeah I noticed. I figured he couldn't take seeing me everyday. Being that he tried to kill me less than a week ago."

"As usual Keller, you are wrong. Beecher isn't in Emerald City any more because he is dead."

There was an awkward silence that fell over the room. Keller was in shock and Sisters Pete was trying to hold back tears. Keller broke the silence but all he could manage was a barely audible "What?"

"He did it sometime last night. He snuck a shank in to his pod and he slit both of his wrists. Before he did that he wrote this note. So will you stop being a self centered jack ass and read the damn not!"

Once again the profanity coming from Sister Pete shocked Keller. Chris opened the note and read it.

"Chris,

Please, please forgive me, but I won't be home again. Maybe someday you'll look up, and, barely conscious, you'll say to no one: "Isn't something missing?" You won't cry for my absence, I know you forgot me long ago. Am I that unimportant? Am I so insignificant? Isn't something missing? Isn't someone missing me? Even though I'm the sacrifice, you won't try for me, not now. Though I'd die to know you love me, I'm all alone. Isn't someone missing me? Please, please forgive me, but I won't be home again. I know what you do to yourself, I breathe deep and cry out, "Isn't something missing? Isn't someone missing me?" And if I bleed, I'll bleed, knowing you don't care. And if I sleep just to dream of you I'll wake without you there, isn't something missing? Isn't something…

Toby"

Keller just stared at the note when he had finished reading it. He heard Sister Pete softly crying. For the first time in his life Keller was at a loss of words. Except for the sobs of Sister Pete, they both set in complete silence for what seemed like an eternity. "Before you leave, I have one more thing to say. I am not very found of you, but because of my respect and love of Toby I want to continue regular sessions. You can leave now."

Keller sat there for a second then slowly rose to his feet. He was taken back to EM city were he spent the rest of the day as if nothing had happened. Just before lights out he read over the note again. Chris just set there staring at the note. The lights went out and Keller began to cry. In the darkness Keller let his tough guy façade fade away, and the sad and lonely man that he was inside with out Toby.


	2. Chapter 2

Keller kept repeating the note over and over again. The more he read the letter the more painful it became. It reminded him of when he had been attacked in the storage room a year ago. The two stabs to his back hard hurt, but that was a minor pain when he found out Beecher was the one who stabbed him. Except this hurt so much than before. Beecher was still alive so there was always hope that things would be better. Now there was no hope. That had died the moment Keller had found out about Beecher. Keller was alone; the one person in his life that had cared about him was gone forever. There was no chance of reconciliation now; Keller was all alone. A tear hit the page when he read "You won't cry for my absence, I know your forgot me long ago."

"Fuck you, Beecher." Keller said to himself with an equal mix of, anger and remorse. "Why couldn't I just forgive him? If I would have just swallowed my pride he still might be here and this piece of me would not be missing. No. I refuse to blame myself. It was not my fault that his kids were nabbed, nor was it my fault that he tried to kill me. He may have forgiven me but that was after almost a year of trying to convince him I was sorry. And this just served to prove that even though he forgave me he never trusted me. All it took was Zabits to make him believe that I was responsible for Gary's death. I cannot say that I was completely taken by surprise. I could tell something was up before he left for the funeral. I had hoped he had forgiven me and that he trusted me again. I did everything he asked but that wasn't good enough. He actually believed Zabits." Keller paused and let his last thought settle.

"Why am I getting so worked up over this? I am alone so what? It is not like I haven't been use to it. I lived my entire life alone, without caring for others. This relationship had just been a moment of weakness. I grew up with no one who cared about me, and I knew I would die the same way. We come into this world alone and that is how we leave it. Love is for the weak. It is just an excuse used by sad and pathetic individuals to justify why they do not end their lives. 'One-day prince charming may come and rescue me from my sorry excuse for a life.' Please, love is just an excuse to get hurt.

If you really feel that way then why are you crying? Why are you hoping, praying even, that this is just a horrible dream? You know the real answer. You loved Tobias and you are afraid and sad now that he is gone. You are afraid that you just lost the best thing that has ever happened to you. No matter how much you try to convince yourself you know you lost the one person who ever cared about you, loved you unconditionally, and saw you as the man you wanted to be inside. But then again I could be wrong. Keep lying to yourself. You may begin to believe the lie. I mean it is better than the reality you are left with.

"Fuck off. I do not cry and I do not feel anything about Beecher. It was not my fault that he attacked me. I have done nothing wrong. I atoned for my sins and I have learned from them. I thought Beecher trusted me, but I was wrong. It is not my fault that he is…" Keller's voice trailed off.

If you are so comfortable with it, if it really is no big deal, then why the hell can you not say it? Beecher is dead. He is never coming back, and that is killing you inside. It reminds you of the first time you lost him. The emptiness and sadness has returned except it is much worse this time. Before there was hope. Hope that things would be better, that Toby would forgive you and look at you like he did before. Without hate in his eyes, with the unconditional love that you so longed for. But now that hope is gone. It has drained out of you just like the blood in Toby. Your only chance of love and happiness died the moment Toby did. This just like the end results of Vern's failed "Operation Toby". Toby's gone and you alone and miserable trying to convince yourself that you have won. Like it was some kind of game. You really are a sick bastard, playing with people's emotions. No wonder you are so miserable. You do not deserve the happiness you have so longed for. How could anyone love someone as callous and manipulative as you? But for some reason Toby did. You never could understand why Toby loved you. You thought it at first it was just lust but you soon learned it was more than that. He had genuinely fallen in love with you. Even when you did finally enact the final step in "Operation Toby" in the gym on that infamous day two years ago he never took back those three words that had made you feel happy about yourself. Those three words that you had wanted to hear truthfully come from someone. Even when he got out of the hospital two months later he never took them back, he only told you he no longer trusted you. And whom would, you did lie to him and work with his archenemy Vern to help him get revenge on Toby. You had been expecting him to repeat the words you so cold heartedly told him before you broke him. That he didn't love you. You had broken his arms, you had broken his trust, you had broken his heart, and you had even told him that you had never loved him but for some reason he still loved you. What the hell did Toby see in you to love you so dearly? You two were so very different. He was an honest and caring guy. Toby had a wife and children that loved him. Even when he lost his wife he still was a decent human being. You on the other hand have lied more than you have been honest. And you use and manipulate people for your own pleasure and when you are done with them you throw them away. You have never done a decent thing in your life. Unlike you Toby was very humane. In fact the only time he had ever lost hold of his humanity was when he had been pushed to far, with Vern's abuse and your betrayal. At least he is in a better place now. Away from the torment and pain that you caused him by being the self centered jackass that you truly are.

"I am better off with out Beecher." Keller replied to himself. "He was nothing but a liability. I knew the risk I was taking by turning in Vern and Metzger for the beating on him. I was willing to take the risk because I was infatuated with Beecher and I was being stupid. If I had known that he would have turned on me I would have just forgot about it. The one time in my life that I actually felt I had done something wrong and wanted to atone from for it and it blew up in my face. Just goes to show that no good dead goes unpunished. The only bit of advice that my mother gave me that meant anything. Now at least now with Beecher gone I do not have to worry about my conscience ever getting in the way, I can finally by myself again. I do not know what it was about him, but for some reason when I was around Beecher I wanted to be different. I no longer wanted to be the tough guy that I have been since I was a teenager."

It is because Toby fell in love with you. He saw through that bullshit badass façade, he saw the loving compassionate man that you can be. Whether you openly admit it or not you miss Toby and you want him back. No matter how cynical you try to be you know that Toby was perfect for you, your soul mate even. One day you will wake up and realize what you have lost and you will no longer be angry at Toby. You will be infuriated at yourself for letting him go and for not doing all that you could to keep him.

Keller knew that waging war against his conscious was useless. He had only managed to make himself more depressed then he had been earlier in Sister Pete's office. No matter what he did or said he would not be able to convince himself that he was ok with Beecher's death. Keller had spent the entire night arguing with himself. He knew it was going to be futile, but Keller tired to get to sleep. "Damn it Beecher. Why did you have to die? I didn't even get to say goodbye." Keller muttered as he closed his eyes.


	3. Chapter 3

After what felt like ten minutes of sleep the sudden sonic assault of the daily alarm and the flash of light into his pod waked Keller up. After all his years in prison Keller never quite got use to the brutal wake up call. The lights always hurt his eyes and, with out fail, the buzz always startled him. After last night's argument with himself, it made this mornings wake up harsher than normal. Keller must have lost track of time because the next sound he heard was that of Officer Murray banging on the door. "Rise and shine Sunshine." Murray barked. "Count means get off your ass and line up Keller. I thought you would have learned that by now."

"Thanks for that lovely wake up call Murray," Keller retorted. "Here we go another fucking day in Em City." Keller took his spot in line and waited for Mineo to make his rounds. After what felt like an hour Mineo finally made it around to Keller's side.

"98K514"

"Took you long enough old man."

"I'm sorry Keller. Was I cutting in to your mopping about losing your girl friend time? My deepest apologies fuck wade."

"Hey fuck you."

"Hey," Murray interrupted. "The both of you shut it up. Keller don't forget about your appointment with Sister Pete after breakfast. I don't want a repeat of the last time you blew her off."

Keller returned to his pod in order to finish waking up. The little shouting match with Mineo almost did the job but he was still a quarter asleep. "I hate fucking mornings," he muttered to himself while he was splashing water on to his face. Chris got dressed and put on the gray hoodie that he had taken from Beecher before the final fight. The fact that it was Beecher's old hoodie meant that Keller was not able to zip it all the way up. "Damn I can't get it zipped all the way up. Oh well that doesn't matter. It belonged to Toby. It even still smells like him." Keller left his pod and headed towards the cafeteria while stroking the sleeve. When he got to the cafeteria Keller just sat at the table in a daze. Keller was busy trying to remember the conversation he had with himself last night. Some of the things had set in and Keller was debating with himself whether he should tell Sister Pete during their session. He was aware that Sister Peter Marie had seen through the façade he had been building since his arrival in OZ, but he had never given her the satisfaction of breaking him. A loud buzz signaling the end of breakfast brought Keller out of internal thought and back to reality. "Damn it's Judgment Day. Better not keep Saint Peter waiting." Keller let out a little chuckle. "I bet Toby would have laughed at that. Actually I think he would have laughed at me. He never thought my stupid jokes were funny. Like he said 'Puns are the lowest form of comedy.' He always was such a smart ass."

After a short walk Keller had made it to Sister Pete's office. For a few minutes they both set in an uneasy almost awkward silence. Keller decided it was time to break the silence. "Please tell me we are going to do something more than sit in complete silence. I may only be a prisoner but I have a lot more I can do with what little free time then to sit in complete silence with some one who despises me."

"Don't start with me Keller. I know how you can be, or have you forgotten our last sessions, the ones where you did nothing but try and manipulate the situation and me. I also know you reputation for lying. I am not too sure that I will be able to get through to you, as Tobias would say, you keep your emotions locked behind steel doors. I am also wondering if we do have an emotional break through whether or not it would be genuine. I know that you like to toy with people; you did it to me last time. What is stopping you from doing it this time?"

"If you feel like this is going to be a complete waste of time then why are you even trying it in the first place?"

"I am doing this for Toby. I know it is what he would want me to do. I could never understand but for some reason he truly loved you." Keller let out a little chuckle that was a mixture of amusement and disappointment. "What is so funny Keller?"

"What you just said about not understanding why Toby loved me. I said that to myself last night."

"What are you talking about?"

"Last night I had a conversation with myself. At least I think it was myself. It could have been God or the ghost of Toby. It really doesn't matter who or what it was but me/it said that too?"

"Well it looks like some part of you has some sense after all."

"If you are going to do nothing but insult me then I'm out of here." Keller said while getting out of the chair.

"Alright Keller I get your point. Sit down. Tell me more about the conversation you had last night."

"Fine," Keller said while sitting back down. "Basically I was questing how I have lived my life so far. How I use people and the emptiness that I have always felt inside. How I want to love and want to be loved but I do not allow myself to experience it. How I have barely shed a tear over it. How I miss him so much. How this is my fault. How I could have stopped him if."

Sister Pete interrupted Keller. "This is not your fault."

"But don't you see that it is. Beecher reached out in a time of need; ha had asked for my forgiveness and I just left him. If I could have just been not so stubborn I could have been there for them. I could have provided him with support in the time that he needed it the most."

What about your needs Keller? What about your feelings? He accused you of killing his child. There is no way you could have just brushed that off. The trust you spent so long trying to regain was shattered in a matter or moments. As I Nun I am supposed to tell you that forgiving is the good Christian thing to do, but as I Psychologist the way you acted was perfectly natural. You were betrayed by the one person you trusted the most. I would reacted the same way if I had been in your situation. Besides suicide is the ultimate act of selfishness. As much as it pains me to say it there is no one to blame but Toby. He was the one who decided that he could not take life any more. He was the one who did not think about the pain and misery that would be left behind when he took his own life. He did not think about the lives he was destroying, yours, mine, and his families, by ending his ending his life. It is hard to do but you cannot blame yourself for something that you had no control over."

"No! It is my fault. Toby is dead because of me. If I had not been so selfish he would still be here. I could have helped him. I could have saved him from himself. He would not be gone and I would not be empty inside. Oh God Toby. Why did you do it? Why Toby?" With that Keller began to suppurate uncontrollably.

"You are all right Chris. Sh Chris it is going to be ok."

Keller felt a firm hand on his for head and slowly opened his eyes. "Toby is that you? Is it really you?

"Yeah it is me. Who else would it be? I got worried you had been rambling in your sleep all night and then you started to cry and call for me in your sleep. I got nervous for you so I decided I would try to wake you up."

"Thank God it was only a dream. I had this most disturbing dream. We had gotten in to a fight after you had found out about Gary. You had thought that I had killed him and attacked me. Then you later found out that I had nothing to do with it and you tried to apologies for it but refused to listen to you. Then you killed yourself. It seemed so real. I had never been more miserable in my life as I was in that dream."

"It is ok Chris. It was all a horrible dream. It is all over now. You know what this reminds me of something."

"What does it remind you of?"

"When you use to comfort me after my nightmares. It feels better being on the other side of the dream for once."

"Well I am glad something good came out of this ordeal. But don't get to use to it. It probably will never happen again."

"Do you have to be so macho it really is a mood killer." Almost as if was planed out right after Beecher had said that the light were turned on and a new day in EM City had started. "Well it looks like we are going to have to wait until tonight to see if you are right."


End file.
